I don't feel like I can put into words what I have been feeling since Friday, but I'm going to try my best. Before studying abroad, we had orientations, and culture shock was vaguely mentioned in passing. This could be because they didn't want us to worry or because they didn't think it would be a problem. Regardless, I was under prepared and under informed about it. Culture shock is something experienced by people who are taken out of their culture for an extended amount of time and put into a new one. Common symptoms include: extreme homesickness, feelings of helplessness/dependency, disorientation, isolation, hyper-irritability (inappropriate anger), sleeping and eating disturbances, etc. After talking to some people who studied abroad, I assumed this would happen, but it was something I would recognize and could fix easily. Boyyyyy, I was wrong.
It started on Friday with feelings of frustration and anger at not being able to communicate in small talk with my host mom. I over looked it though as me being upset from having to move the day before. But that night and some parts of the weekend, I found myself unnecessarily angry at things or people that didn't make a lot of sense. Not to mention that I have spent 5 out of the past 6 days crying about something. No one told me it would be like this. No one warned me. On TOP of that, I have an anxiety disorder to balance. I'm not talking about anxiety that is like "Wow, I have a test tomorrow that I am worried about." I am talking about deep rooted anxiety that I have had from a very young age (acknowledged for the first time by therapist at 8 years old). My parents always said that when I was little (2-3 years) there were certain things that caused me to freak out, and they just knew to avoid those for me to stay calm.
This anxiety is adding to my culture shock in a way that I could not have prepared for. In my first post, I talked about having to get medical clearance to go abroad, and from that, I meant that I had to sit down with a doctor and plea with her that I was mentally stable enough to go overseas because she had doubts on whether I could handle it after checking my files. At the time of the meeting, I was doing great after almost a year of counseling. I had found my theater friends at Tech (shout out to the realest) and had the best roommate/friend I could've asked for (shout out Amb). We spent Saturdays in my dorm playing Cards Against Humanity and watching SNL. That's my kind of fun in my kind of place. In Spain, I don't have that which makes me feel extremely out of my element.
It breaks my heart that I don't know how to explain to my host mom that it's not her fault I cry a lot. She feels like she did something wrong when in reality she's one of the only good things here. It's hard to hide my tears and frustration from my peers who don't know what I am like outside of Spain. I like to think I am funny and energetic, but I'm finding it hard for me here to get excited about much. It's almost too easy for me to think "I only have 105 days left here, so what's the point in trying to act like I belong here when I obviously don't?" I can't allow myself to think this way though, and for now, I am trying to figure out ways to balance the culture shock, anxiety and adjusting to life here.
Luckily, I have amazing family and friends who understand, especially my roommate here. It's hard to be around, be friends with, or be with someone who is in a constant state of worry and stress. Since Monday, I have been praying at least twice a day to try to combat this. I continue to write in my journal to ease my mind. Writing down my anxieties helps get it out of my head, so I don't think about it and obsess over it. Today was the first day that I have felt mostly normal/okay since Friday. The rain (my absolutely favorite weather) has helped a lot. I *might have* done a little shopping therapy too. In the midst of trying to enjoy myself in a very foreign place, I remain hopeful that I will get over this and have a good experience in Spain.
xoxo,
Caroline
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